Tuesday, October 5, 2010


Have you ever felt like you belong in two places at once? Like you should be here and there?

That's how I feel this morning. I love Texas, don't get me wrong. It was the perfect destination to revitalize my spirit and just become me again. But, a part of me isn't sure this is where I need to be. I miss the city and fall weather and hot chocolate in the park. I miss downtown strolls and trips to the market and brunch at Chateau Laurier on Sundays. But, I don't know that Ottawa is 'home' to me either.

I'm probably confusing the heck out of you, but I've always been an older spirit. Even at a young age, I knew who I was and where I was headed. I was going to live in a loft in the city and stroll the harbor before church on Sundays. I would window shop on the weekends and jog through the park instead of hitting the treadmill in the gym. Maybe growing up in the city turned me away from that lifestyle, but now it's all I can think about. It's all I could think about last year too, which leads me to believe that maybe I just haven't found that perfect city just yet.

Dallas is amazing, but I feel like it's a transition city. Filled with recent college grads, it's an amazing city to start your new grown-up lifestyle - maybe not the perfect place to start a family. I love the South, I really do. It has everything I've ever dreamt of - I just wish I would have discovered it maybe five years ago. I love going out and meeting new people, but I think I love staying in much more.

Thinking about it more and more, I live for the rush of the race. The government race that is. If Ottawa isn't where I see myself, DC is. Is it where I need to be tomorrow? Absolutely not. But, it's where I'm headed - that I know. It has the benefits of the home I'm looking for and my career can only flourish in a city catered to my work-driven needs. Last year, I was so close to where I needed to be. But, far enough for me to feel as if I was being held back. I want to make a change in the world, but I can't do that without the proper resources.

We all know I have issues believing in myself and holding things in. I get down on myself more than I can even explain. I don't accept that making mistakes is part of growing up and I get that. I'm trying every day to see past that and take responsibility for things I can change. Sometimes, I think that hanging out with my friends and having a beer is a mortal sin - but, I'm doing better. I took Saturday for myself and just had fun. It was a nice change here. I always feel like I need to act ten years older, but I don't. I'm 23. I just wish my heart and my head could be on better terms with each other. Though she may not know this, but my past roommate (well, only roommate) Teira was a huge inspiration when it came to this. She really helped me see that I can be a responsible adult, but still let loose sometimes. I've always found it hard to see the difference and chose to just forgo hanging out with my friends instead. But, I'm learning. Like, tonight before studying - I went out for Happy Hour and dinner with the crew. See? Multitasking. I guess, I just don't know where I belong and that hurts me inside. Aren't we supposed to know where we belong? I just guess I don't know and heading back to Virginia next week isn't going to help. Ugh..


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