mine...

we all know how much i heart t.swizzle

this song makes my heart melt and truly believe in love again.

enjoy: http://justjared.buzznet.com/2010/08/27/taylor-swift-mine-music-video-premiere/

oh, you again...

First off, this blog is a vent. Feel free to ignore if you want to. I just need to get this out in the open before my head explodes.

Obviously, turmoil and me have been great acquaintances this past year. Ups & downs and all-arounds, I've experienced every emotion known to man-kind. Yesterday, in negotiations class - we had to detail our personality traits to see the typical path we would take during mediation. I'm not really a collaborator or competitive (unless it's on the field), I tested as an accommodater. That means that I do whatever I can to make others smile. Whether it's ordering them flowers when their boyfriend breaks their heart or taking them away for a weekend, no matter what I'm going through - I always try to be their constant support.

But, I don't know when to stop. It's one of my faults. I'm a people-pleaser and do whatever I can to ensure that others are happy. Even if it means sacrificing my own happiness, I'll do it. Obviously, certain people take advantage of this giving spirit and often don't know when to stop. Whether its financial assistance or material objects, it can sometimes get out of hand. But, honestly? I'd rather suffer and have people happy than have them upset. It's like I feel they won't be friends with me if I just say, "enough is enough."

I don't mean this to be a 'rag' on friends deal, but it's something that unfortunately, my best friend Noelle and I have dealt with often. It's kinda the one thing we've both experienced that happens to us over and over and over again. We find friends, we're naive and offer the world and BAM, we get screwed over.

It happened last year with a student I went to school with and we ALL know how that turned out. Don't need to go into gory details. But, I'm afraid it's happening again and this time I don't know what to do. Confronting the person hasn't worked in the past and I'm almost afraid to loose them because they're such a constant in my life. I feel like with the people I met last year, I'm a friend of convenience. Sorta like, "we need something - help us..." and then they disappear or ignore my calls/emails/texts when I need support or have a question or just want reassurance. If I see them, things are great - but it's almost like out of sight, out of mind. I can't be a friend of convenience. I have to be selfish this year if I'm going to become the person I used to be. I lost myself in this mess of a year and in order to find myself again, I can only have positive friends around me. If that means solely relying on my 7R and Traf Girls, so be it. I will.

In other news, I'm thinking of readjusting my birthday weekend. Original game plan was to go to the Cowboys game and have a fantastic weekend with friends. But, it seems like everyone's coming and going in different directions and I don't want to be forced into a weekend I won't enjoy. Thinking spas and pool decks with my girls and selling the tickets. If anyone needs 3 Cowboys tickets, I'm your gal.

The delightful Megs just alerted me to discounted flights between Calgary and Dallas. Girls, what weekend's work for you because I need some Calgstown loving on the ASAP!

no air

i never thought i'd say this, but i honestly might be at my breaking point.

for those of you who know what i've been through since november, lets just say they struck again and this time the hit was much harder (and that was just my Monday evening). it seems everyone i went through that experience with decided it was okay for me to take the biggest hit. so while they're off laughing, i'm sitting here alone & sobbing my face off.

the whole deportation issue has reached new levels and i'm really not sure i'm willing to fight to stay here in texas. this was supposed to be my fresh start, but i feel pretty alone most of the time. i'm a tough girl, but going at this by myself is too much. i've had to miss far too many classes this week to just try and stay in classes, but most don't understand nor do i expect them too. it's my issue, i get that. i'm not one to ask for help, but i'm drowning. i might be broken.

i feel like i'm whining, but all i want to do is scream at the world. how can someone take so many hits in one year? the irony of it all was that 22 is my favorite number so when i turned 22, i toasted my friends to a year of amazing opportunities. what a lie. this year has been nothing but hell.

the stress levels i'm enduring are out of this world and i'm just not sure it's worth it. the only bright light in all this is that i'm looking at flights to calgary for october and my best friend is home from korea in less than a week.

i hate ranting and complaining and leaning on others, but i'm at the end of my rope.

we all wear the scars we carry, but mine are just much deeper than others right now.

i need something positive to turn this around and i need it now.

This one's for you, my dear

I haven't talked about this because it wasn't my story to share and most weren't ready to share. A few months ago, on May 3rd, a dear friend to all of us passed away. Rachel was just about to start the next chapter of her life, with her baby girl Kaylee, when she was in a tragic car accident not too far from where we all grew up.

Every day growing up, I was warned about this intersection. My dad always shared stories of terrible accidents taking place there, cautioning us to drive safe. I always triple checked that intersection on the way home from my boyfriend's house in high school. The moment I heard of Rachel's accident, I just knew that was it. That was where it happened and it hit me like a wall of bricks. Although my sister and I aren't close, she seemed to be the only person I could talk to about this. As we cried together on the phone, I couldn't imagine what I would do without her and then what Alicia would face every day without Rachel in her life.

She was so young and had so much ahead of her. Her smile and laughter were contagious and we just shared this common passion for competition and sports. Any team and you'd find Rach and me on it in elementry school. She excelled at volleyball and was a superstar at Mohawk College. Rachel was one of a kind and I was so honored to have known her. Her baby girl Kaylee was going to be the light in her world, we all knew it.

I haven't shared this story because it just didn't feel right, but it does now. Her family misses her more than words can say, but we know she is smiling down on each and every one of them. Today, I was directed to a song by a friend who lost Rachel as well. It was by an artist who shared a similar lost. The lyrics remind me that we're not alone and there is something bigger and higher keeping us together - He sends his grace to us daily, making us strong enough to endure. To all those we've lost, we were blessed to have loved you for even a day.

Enjoy: http://vimeo.com/10868953

Listen, please.

I am a great listener when it comes to certain things. When it comes to my own health? Absolutely not. On Friday, I went out for dinner and drinks with some new friends and decided to wear heels. Normally, not an issue at all. However, when you've recently fractured your foot in four places, not so hot.

Typical Becky, I decide 'what the heck! let's just take my shoes off for a few. no one will notice, right?' Wrong. People in Dallas thought I was some crazed lunatic who was going to die of some tragic foot disease. Guess Texans aren't as relaxed as I thought. Regardless, I survived and ended the night taking a fantastic late night swim.

Texas is great. I love it here.

Three Cheers for Dallas!

Friends new and old, I apologize for not updating you sooner. In my defense, I was just gifted with Internet yesterday. I am now the proud owner of a DVR, wireless Internet, long distance and a bazillion channels I have no idea what to with. Saying goodbye to all the Spanish and Jesus channels was difficult, but I'm coping.

Back to the beginning, I guess. I landed last Saturday in Dallas with Fitz squirming in my hand and dreams aplenty. Since then, life has been an absolute whirlwind. I have a great new job that astounds me on a daily basis (which is quite difficult after my years on the Hill), new friends, and great classes. Transitioning to a new city has been a little difficult with a broken foot, but I'm coping. Some nice boys helped me set-up my furniture and my place is slowly but surely coming together. Well, that's a lie actually. It was pretty much set up when I arrived, I'm just slowly unpacking my suitcases and adding cute little features.

To wet your taste buds and because we all know I'm a secret Nate Berkus wannabe, I've designed my condo in a black and white international catwalk theme. You're probably asking yourself, what the heck is that? Well, I used black/white and off-shades of grey throughout the place - mixing paisley and stripes to brighten the space. I have Eiffel towers and portraits of patisseries lining the walls. In my room, I have gorgeous Egyptian cotton coal sheets and a white comforter with grey stitching. I'm lucky enough to have a beautiful large cascading fireplace that I've placed large white barrel candles in. Okay, I've bored you enough. Pictures to come soon!

So far, I'm learning how to navigate tollways and side streets (that extra jar of change has been incredibly helpful - thanks mom and dad)! I'm an organized freak who came to Dallas with a binder full of paperwork ready to take on the Texas residential services, but it really hasn't been necessary. Everyone is SO incredibly helpful here and things have pretty much fallen into place. Still waiting on the license, but I think that might be Monday's adventure. I have my first two weeks here to basically concentrate on school, settling in, and the odd consulate event. Nothing too time consuming, which has been incredible. I FINALLY got to experience summer by sitting out at the pool all week. It's been fantastic. Fitz loves it here, especially all the sweet tea (don't tell Mom I'm feeding him that).

Anyways, off to the pool I go. Have my priorities set - pool, PF Chang's, pool, pool, and maybe a bbq or two!

Friends, they mean the most.

Each phase of life brings a new cycle of friends, whether you want to admit it or not.

High school

College

Work

Grad School

Through it all, you find friends with similar interests that are engaging in a goal close to your own. Unfortunately, at the end of that phase - you sometimes drift apart from those friends.

I had a best friend in college and I thought we would never part. We did everything together. I held her hand through all the tough stuff and glorified her through her triumphs. With that friendship, I felt like I had to prove myself worthy to be friends with her and that isn't fair. She would do things to me that she knew would crush me, but I was expected to just smile and laugh it off. I lost my entire group of stability because she didn't get along with my friends and that's not a friendship to me. Just like with boys, it's not what I deserved.

Time eventually split us apart and I regret segregating myself to such a small circle of friends during such an evolutionary period for me. That's not to say that I didn't have other amazing friends in college, I most certainly did - I just took them for granted. I never respected their friendship as much as I should have and I'm at fault for that. These girls were consistently supportive and mentored me when my best friend would selfishly turn her back (which happened more times than I can count). My last year in college, I was ditched on my birthday after the dinner portion when everyone went to do their own thing with their own 'cooler new' friends. It was the final straw for me. I came home to my roommate (who happened to be part of those AMAZING 7R girls I neglected) and she just completely understood. No questions asked, no hatred harboured - she was just there for me, unconditionally. It was then that I realized what a fool I had been. I was trying SO hard to be friends with someone when friendship shouldn't take work. Relationships should foster on their own and when they become stressful, you need to get rid of them.Breaking up with a friend is worse than breaking up with a boy. There's a lot more clothes involved and it just hurts to know that they can no longer be a part of your life. But, sometimes it's for the best. You just never know what you might find on the other side. Me? I found a pot of gold.

Now, I feel refreshed and reflective. As I'm moving on to yet another stage of my life, I can't help but gush at these amazing girls I took for granted so long ago. Trust me, I will never make that mistake again. Girls, I wish I could turn back time and spend every quality minute with you those four years provided. I worked far too much in college and completely ignored the entire experience. Since then, I have discovered that those 7R girls are the most amazing sincere courageous and brave young ladies I have ever met. I was trying to grow up too fast and missed out on some spectacular memories. You girls mean the world to me. No matter where we are, just know that I am always on your side and only a phone call away. Your support? It means the most to me and I don't know what I would do without you. Missing you more than you know.