Sunday, April 18, 2010

ha ha hardcore

last night, i sent a massive rant to my best friend rach. sidenote: rach, thanks for listening to 9 years of accumulated rage. 

a little background info, i went to an all-girls private prep school in the city. those years at the castle have made me into who i am today and i am so grateful for everything taught within those school walls. at an all-girls school, we were engraved to believe in the concept of pure independence. i took that concept and ran with it.  one of my teachers, mrs. sigsworth, used to always tell me i was a 'good woman.' i was someone who was going to make a difference in this world and not let any boy get in my way. 

i am probably the most independent person in the world. i will rarely come to you for help or guidance and like to spend most evenings alone, sitting by the fireplace with a glass of merlot. it's not that i hate people, it's just that when something needs to get done - i'd much rather do it myself than delegate. it's an awful character trait, but it's true. with relationships, i ALWAYS let the guy know that my independence is important to me. if you want a girl to call you back five seconds after you leave a message, i'm not the girl for you. from one relationship to the next, even though they claim they LOVE my independence - it always seems to be our demise. i'm the girl you'll take to dinner, along with my 4 other work blackberries. my independence strains into my career, thus i'm pretty intense about my work and the separation between work and personal life. i've had to pick between a boy and a career before, and i've always picked the career. sorry, it's true. i'm 22 years old and just breaking out into the government/political realm, i don't have time to re prioritize my life right now. 

my best friend noelle is identical in this aspect of life. we are notorious for cancelling on people. it's not that we don't want to hang out with you, we'd just rather hang out by ourselves. it sounds cruel, but we just don't like attention. we've grown up in such a social environment, we like our alone time. we've even cancelled on each other before...just so we can have time to ourselves. this semester was the first time i started to rely on others for support and strength. rachel was SUCH a good influence on me this year, making sure i'd escape those four walls of my room to go hang out with people. she talked to me about creating a balance and it's really something i'm trying to work on. it may have not worked out with relationships last semester, but at least i'm learning. 

the reason for the rant last night? my independence seems to be influencing my relationship with a special someone again. it's not that i don't want to call them, it's just that my job often takes precedence over my personal life. i care about you, but at this point - i have to care about my career more. i'm a 'power bitch' as my mom likes to tell me. i work in a high-pressured environment and i take pleasure in my career accomplishments. this year was the first time i've ever even considered relocating for a relationship (crazy, i know) and although it didn't work out (and i'm secretly jumping for joy that i didn't have to move to 'rural america'), it made me realize how much i cherish my independence both at work and home. most evenings are spent purging my blackberry inbox to a more suitable 300 new emails, instead of the 1582 that are currently sitting there. sad, but true.

but, at the end of the day - i do like having someone to digest the day with, to take for a late dinner, or head to the gym with. it's important for me to have that special someone. i'm a huge fan of kelly cutrone. she is a powerful, independent woman with a personal life on the side. some may call her a bitch, but i call her amazing. she creates the perfect balance, but doesn't take no for an answer. she works hard and it shows. i hope that's what my significant others think of me. i work hard, but i am working even harder on finding a better balance. i'm trying to remember to call you or bbm you throughout the day, i really am. i don't want to have to choose between work and boys again, but i know it may happen from time to time. 

at the end of the day, i strongly believe in kell's mantra:

Even though I am sometimes perceived as a bitch or a witch, the office atmosphere I cultivate is nothing like the cultural stereotype of striving women clawing each other to death to get the queen bee’s job. Women have been taught that, in order to get ahead, we have to be secretive and plotting and manipulative, because a straightforward route to the top hasn’t always existed for us, and in many industries it still doesn’t. But I don’t believe in playing into these stereotypes. We don’t have to stab each other in the back, we don’t have to take things personally and break down when we’re criticized, and we don’t have to advance at each others’ expense. (p.158)


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